I don’t know about you but I just can’t seem to get a balance. In life generally. It drives me crazy – literally! Life with a mental illness very often is a balancing act.
I have these periods of a few weeks at a time where I really have my shit together. I’m loving life and getting things done. Really enjoying time with H, staying on top of the housework, getting work done and keeping in touch with friends and family. Generally life is pretty great!
Then when I am least expecting it, out of nowhere it hits me like a 50 tonne weight and completely knocks me off my feet. The house looking clean and tidy is a far off memory. Getting out of bed and washing is a genuine struggle and I completely distance myself from friends and family. Even my time with H is tested. I feel ill and run down for weeks on end and just want to be left alone.
It’s so crippling, it really is. I honestly feel like my illnesses all gang up on me;
“Right guys she’s doing pretty well in life right now. Lets knock her down a few pegs!”
And knock me down they do. I haven’t yet been knocked down to that awful place I existed in a few years ago but the fight really is so hard. A lot of the time I am left sat on my own, thinking and believing; I just can do this anymore. I just can’t. I haven’t got the energy to keep fighting this fight. All these people think I am strong but they’ve got it wrong! Giving in to the demons would be like being welcomed home by old friends. At least I would know what to expect. There are no arguments, they know and agree with every negative thought I have.
So why keep fighting?
Well of course it’s obvious – My amazing husband, gorgeous little boy, friends, family and you the amazing readers of my blog. I know I have to fight. I know I do, but sometimes you have no idea (or maybe you do) how bloody hard it really is. To keep my head above water. To keep smiling. To eat. To live.
It’s hard, as I feel I want to be the best ambassador for mental health the country has ever seen! Working hard and providing for my family. Learning to like and maybe even love myself. I get these things into my head and work hard to bring it into fruition. Then in the blink of an eye it’s all gone. They’ve taken it all. All that work and effort gone quicker than I can say – recovery!
It feels like when I am ‘good’ I have to do as much as I possibly can because I never know when it’s all going to be taken away from me. I never know how long it’s going to last. I can hardly bare it!
Maybe I’m running myself down. Yes that has occurred to me but when I am doing it all – I feel great. I don’t feel like I am letting myself get run down. On the contrary I feel great! On top of the world! So how do I tell when I am doing to much when it doesn’t hit me until too late? I honestly don’t know.
It feels good to voice this all out loud but I am still not able to see a way to get a balance just yet. I guess it’s a case of looking out for any subtle signs and getting people close to me to do the same.
I am not planning on giving up anytime soon – so I’ll keep you posted.
Take care of yourselves and others.
Love Amy xx
Have a read of Amy's blog HERE!