2016 has been an awful year for everyone. On a worldwide scale and personal scales, pretty much everyone has had a shit 2016. There has never been a year with so many losses, disappointments and disasters.
This year I ignored New Year, I have nothing to celebrate. I have always hated New Year so this was a great excuse not to put the happy mask on and talk about my new years resolutions. I literally pretended it was not happening. I ate pizza, dog sat for my neighbour, avoided watching anything New Years Eve related and we were asleep by 11.30..... it was great!
In the past I have had many new years resolutions:
I will be more positive
I will be happy in my job
I will find a new job
I will move out of home
I will find a boyfriend
I will be more proactive
I will loose weight
I will excersize more
I will say yes to any (well almost) opportunity that presents itself
And so the list goes on……
Of course, none of them were ever fulfilled. I don’t think they really are by anyone, but they are set nevertheless. New year's resolutions are just what you ‘do’ and you need to have an answer for all the people who will inevitably ask you.
This year is different.
I have none, well none like they would use to be. My world has changed and been turned on its head.
My only wishes for this year would be…
To find a way to manage and control all the bad bad thoughts that take over my head that I have to fight ferociously off daily not just to protect myself but also others of what could happen. I don't want these thoughts to happen but they could, the thoughts take over and I am powerless.
To try so hard to talk about it when these feelings and thoughts take over. This is hard as it is hard for people to acknowledge and see what is going on inside my head. I have become so good at hiding it all that when it comes out it explodes and shocks people where, one minute i am fine and the next in bits and inconsolable.
Rid myself from the cloud that has fogged over my brain for far far to long and the anxiety that appears from nowhere and wont budge; both of which put my life to a complete standstill that I cannot see past, that blocks out a future.
To leave the past in the past and stop dwelling on it; Yes people are shit, really shit and yes they treat you really badly, but I want to try and forget them, or in my case the 2 people that have set off all my insecurities, self doubt and knocked the little confidence I had.
I want I want to regain a tiny bit of my old life back. To rebuild friendships I used to cherish, but I have pushed away (not , and i need to stress NOT) because I have wanted to but because I felt I was not worth it or not wanted or too much to handle and a burden.
All I want is to find a bit of hope in a world where I feel there is none.
To see the future I used to see and to try to find my way in this crazy world again.
I know I am not the only person that feels this but I wanted to share my feelings so others feeling the same know they are not alone in their feelings.