It wipes you of any motivation, you want to do things. The demon says to you “no you cant do that”, “you are not good enough”, “why bother you will fail anyway” “no one will miss me if I don’t go”.
That is the dark cloud of depression. Emotionally and physically you are done. It takes over your body and mind, you freeze, cant get out of bed or eat - these are just a few of the symptoms. Some people self harm, others feel suicidal, some have worse days than others, some can eat and some cant, some take medication and others don’t – it effects every person in a different way. With some people it builds up slowly but others wake up and “BANG” there it is and there is nothing you can do about it. But however it comes you are helpless to its powers.
It’s a silent battle you have to fight daily in your head, just waiting for that cloud to pass, praying it will pass soon. It is a daily guilt trip thinking you should be doing something but you cant muster up the energy to get up, let alone shower. It’s like drowning but you can see everyone living around you and you want to join in but you just cant.
Both emotionally and mentally you feel drained but physically you wear that smile so no one knows the inner turmoil you are feeling inside. The constant negative voices you hear and fight with in your head.
People say to you ‘snap out of it’, ‘just get on with it’ ‘it cant be that bad' They need to realise it is not the same as having a broken leg or any other physical illness, only you cannot see it, it is a disease of the brain. No amounts of ‘happy’ thoughts and being positive will sort it out – if it was that simple then people would not be going through this unbearable suffering. It is not a choice, it does not get better it is something we just need to learn to manage.