This week marks a whole year writing this blog – I cant believe I have stuck at something for a whole year!!!
The really ironic thing that I didn’t realize when I started the blog was that is was exactly 2 years since I left the job that nearly killed me!
A whole year since another night of insomnia (or perhaps mania) made me choose a blog name, buy the domain, set up and design a website. None of these things I had ever done before. My area was always what leather would be to use for a handbag, how and where we should emboss it, what colour should it be etc. All those decisions felt like life or death at the time, but now I know how ridiculous and unnecessary it was to loose sleep over stupid things like that after what I and 1000000s of others go through with mental health. Who really puts fashion over their health?!!
Seeing as it marks a year since starting this I thought I’d write about where I am now (mostly for me to see but maybe others will find it interesting too!!)
Honestly, I do not really see that I am any better. I still feel shit pretty much all the time and every little thing is still a mountain to climb – but I am getting better and better at hiding it. Whether that is a good thing or a bad thing the way everything is in life at the moment it is how it has to be.
In last weeks session with my therapist, I was complaining, as I always do that I am not getting any better and it is going to be like this forever and there is no way forward and what’s the point. She asked me to think back to where I was last year? My response to this was “I was in the South of France”! Well its true I was! I knew what she was getting me to think about, but I genuinely cant see any positive changes – even though everyone says to me:
‘gosh you are doing so much better’ (which, by the way, really pisses me off, so please don’t say that to me or within earshot of me!!!!)
I know I am doing more than I was and I don’t deny that, but it doesn’t feel enough.
It doesn’t feel like I am doing ‘better’ because I am not doing what ‘normal’ people do – getting up, going to work, earning money and socializing and everything else you are ‘supposed’ to do.
I do know that I can do the following now which last year there would be no way I can do:
I can now survive a couple of stops on the underground (still with the same panic and fear, but I can do it).
I can now go out on my own without being scared of what I may or may not do.
I can manage being at home on my own.
I can survive being around a small group of people.
I survived a trip on my own to New York.
I can now allow myself to have a day off doing nothing and not feel too guilty about it.
I am now actually allowed to look after my own medication
The big thing I am managing to do now which I never would have thought would even be possible a year ago is running not 1 but 2 businesses.
I never thought Balloons and the Brain would turn into a business with a large following and selling (albeit slowly) products.
I never imagined me and my friend Sophie would start our own mental health fashion brand - I hesitantly use the word fashion as I don’t want to be associated in any way with the world I used to be a part of and feel so negative towards.
I never dreamt Sophie would come back into my life after 10 years apart and to find we are going through the same but very different life challenges – honestly I do not know what this year would have been with out our weekly cake and now business meetings!
Our business, Unravelling Minds, is now giving me power to get on and make something work and we really have amazing support behind us. If you have not checked us out go to www.unravellingminds.com. I am going to write a blog on it in a few weeks.
Oh yes, and on top of all that I am also finishing my 1st year of studying hypnotherapy and counseling.
WOW – when I read all that I realize how I am actually doing, I am finding it extremely extremely overwhelming, but this time last year the overwhelming feeling would have come out in an extremely different way.
Reading this, does help me see there is a point and no matter how slowly I hope things continue to get better and that hopefully Unravelling Minds will really take over the world!!!!