A couple of weeks ago I woke up and thought I am going to New York.
I have a friend over there and I really really wanted to see her. She is a friend from the hospital and is one of a handful of people that ‘gets it’. I put no thought into the details of the trip. The airport. The airplane. Getting to the hotel. The non-stop nature of New York. Being on my own. Everything that puts total fear into me.
But here I am.
I MADE IT!!!!
Yes anxiety has been hell. There have been tears, plenty of them. Especially at the airport and on the plane, but @united were amazing at looking after me.
Here I am 3 days into my trip. I am exhausted and today I am struggling to get up and go, but yesterday I did a lot.
The other day I did a huge thing. I faced a fear. I faced up to the event that triggered this whole breakdown 2.5 years ago. I faced a thing that caused so many tears, stresses and anxiety. I went to visit the concession in a big, well known department store that I helped set up. It caused me nightmares and breakdowns and countless panic attacks. Visiting it was a massive step for me to take and something I had been thinking about doing for a few days, whether I should or shouldn’t do it.. It could of gone 1 of 2 ways. It could of totally broken me. Or. It could allow me to close the chapter of hell and move forward.
The really sad thing about the situation was (before the beginning of the end) that I really, really adored my job. The people were amazing. My job was amazing. The brand was amazing. It was a brand that I had always wanted to work for. And it didn’t prove me wrong. That was until I got a new boss.
Anyway, enough dwelling on what it was and onto what I did yesterday. I did it. I saw it. It was huge to just go there and face those anxieties. It went a mixture of both the ways I anticipated. It did not totally break me but I was very sad and some of the anxieties came back for a moment. I really hope it will allow me to move on from the job I loved that turned to hell. I have had moments of utter sadness since visiting. But I think overall it has allowed me to close the chapter and continue my journey far away from fashion into the world of mental health that now means so much to me.
Aside from facing this huge hurdle, this trip has also given me space and time to breath and face to things. I have never been good at being on my own, but this has made me (I cant say I love it – but I am surviving it!!). Tomorrow I am facing yet another fear – I am going to the theatre to my own; I have not even been able to sit in a restaurant on my own so how the theatre is going to be I have no idea!!
It is proving to be a very difficult trip and I am looking forward to getting home, but is a real achievement to have done this to know even though it doesn’t feel like I can cope I can muddle my way through and survive.
As the title of the book I am reading is called “Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway” – that is what I am doing on this trip.